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Post by Bronzewing on Mar 1, 2021 14:54:21 GMT
This story is 100% noncanon. Nobody in their right mind would EVER let Silpha run for president.
Start the election music! Sound the trumpets! It's America Time!
NAME: John Smith
RACE: Dodecahedron Normal Human
AGE: 42
STATE: Missouri
PARTY: Whichever one you support.
QUOTE: "I am a normal human with normal ideas."
Fig 1: Not a picture of the candidate.
| NAME: Silpha Coolman
RACE: Normal Human
AGE: 30
STATE: Pyrrhia ("It's in Florida.")
PARTY: Yes.
QUOTE: "Hey hey wanna touch this necklace?  "
Fig 2: A photograph of the candidate.
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The two candidates were naturally selected to represent their chosen parties. There were a few doubts as to why these two were selected- some citizens believe that something is weird about the both of the chosen candidates. A speaker was called in to discuss the issue.
SNAKE WOLF WITH A BANJO: I had nothing to do with this.
The speaker was furthermore described as "immensely sus". Maybe it was the fact that nobody could take a picture of them.
UPSET REPORTER: This is just a blur- hey! Banjo man! YOU NEED TO BE IN THE NEWS!
The banjo wolf disappeared as fast as he came. Citizens reported this as being "super immensely sus" and "not poggers at all". It was later reported that he wasn't even a part of American politics.
AN ADVERTISEMENT FROM JOHN SMITH
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This advertisement below was shown on television for a few days. Clicking on the ad online brought you to a page called Cat Bounce.
It is still in question what that website has to do with anything.
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TRANSCRIPT:
This is me. I am on the field, full of green grass that we definitely have on my home planet of Missouri. I am a normal human being and if you see anything else you should get your eyes checked.
Cats. Do you like cats? I like cats, so you should vote for me immediately. In fact, I have great cat bouncing skills. I can bounce cats for over four hours. Can my competitors do that? I don't think so. In
fact, here is a website showing off my extreme bouncing feline abilities. This is something valuable to our nation and adheres to our Constitution.
Vote for me. Maybe you can get a demonstration.
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This advertisement was the catalyst for the rather popular conspiracy theory: John Smith is a Dodecahedron. Some people claimed he was a dodecahedron from space, others claimed that he was from an ancient race of Dodecahedronfolk. Some protestors headed to the White House to make their claims.
The protestors were shooed away and the elections continued. There has been no word from Mr. Smith whether or not he is actually a shape. The debate still rages on, with one Reddit thread getting a heck of a lot of responses.
On the other side, Mr. Coolman has showed some strange behavior. He got into a fight with his vice president, where they claimed to see "very dragonlike claws" from the candidate. Some people have even allegedly seen wings and horns on their body, making some believe that they're not as human as they claim to be. However this has largely been shut down since of Silpha Coolman's mustache, which according to officials is "very undragonlike". One Cabinet member who continued to claim Silpha was a draconic beastie ended up in the following conversation:
CM: "There is clear reason to believe, Mr. Coolman, that you're not what you say you are. With my own eyes I have seen what appears to be wings on your back- something that normal humans lack. What do you have to say for yourself?"
SILPHA: "What, you think I'm a dragon or something? I am most definitely not a dragon. I have a mustache."
CM: "That doesn't change anything. You can be a mustache dragon for all we know. We need real proof."
SILPHA: "First off, there are no "mustache dragons." Don't ask me how I can confirm that. Second, look! I have a hat- and humans wear hats. Three Moons do I look cool.
CM: "That doesn't prove a thing, sir."
SILPHA: "Fair enough. Hey, want to try on this necklace?"
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VP: I am intimidated but I refuse to do anything about it. But I have called for paranormal investigators to take a look at that dang necklace. There's something weird about it, I swear! CM: There are no problems with the necklace at all. When I wore it, nothing at all happened. It is perfectly safe and you should try it on. VP: "No thank you."
There are also some problems with Silpha calling people "lazy RainWings", whatever those are, and then apologizing...to the RainWings. He also has recommended a chair "suitable for those who prefer to be on four legs, not that I am one of those."
The debates are planned to start later during the week. Some angry people have claimed that they want the election postponed until they find out whether or not John Smith is a shape. These suggestions were denied. Furthermore, Silpha keeps asking "which button is my 'phone a friend' button?" although being told that the aforementioned button does not, in fact, exist.
The debates are still scheduled for the same time and date.
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Post by Bronzewing on Mar 1, 2021 16:51:50 GMT
THE DEBATES
The debates are taking place in what Silpha says is "his cousin's hometown" of California. The debate itself is taking place in an IKEA store as decided by both candidates. An area of the store has been set up for the debates, featuring a large number of soft toys in the audience and a very strange chair for Mr. Coolman that seems best fit for somebody with four legs, which he evidently is not. Mr. Coolman before the cameras started rolling started reenacting the debate with a couple of plush sharks.
"Raaaar imma eat you!!" "Oh no!! Spare me!!" "Vote for me and your mortal soul will be spared!" "Oh yes great Silpha!!"
He only noticed somebody was listening once he slammed the sharks together, sticking an "I VOTED" badge onto one of them. Once realizing he was being watched he tossed the sharks into the audience with a wide smile.
The debate started with both candidates sitting on their chairs, looking at the audience with a small smile on their jaws. John Smith's expression was noticeably blank, and it appeared that his head was spinning around as if it was floating in the air.
Administrator: Admin
Silpha Coolman:Silpha
John Smith: Smith
ADMIN: Okay, you both have microphones in front of you. You need to press the red button when you wish to speak to have your voice heard by the audience and our cameras.
SILPHA: Where's my Phone a Friend button?
ADMIN: Mr. Coolman, that doesn't exist. But you can ask your vice president if you need to ask something urgent.
(Silpha grumbles something under his breath, something like "but he's not a FRIEND")
SMITH: Do we plan to start the debates? (He mispronounces debates as "deebeetes")
ADMIN: *is not paid enough for this*
SILPHA: Soooo... three moons, does this always take so long?!
ADMIN: Then let's begin. First, what do you think about the raising of taxes to support infastructure?
SMITH: I plan to keep taxes the same in order to pay for the necessary infastructure, or maybe lower them so the buildings and bridges are cheaper and easier to break for the upcoming invasion.
ADMIN: The...what?
SMITH: The invasion. We need dramatic effect, you see.
SILPHA: (jumps up, slams claws on microphone) NO TAXES!
ADMIN: You can't just get rid of taxes, sir.
SILPHA: YOU HEARD ME, NO TAXES! TOSS EM OUT! BURN EM! You no longer have to taxes! Taxes are defunct!
(He calls his vice president over and asks in a quiet voice: "what are taxes?")
AUDIENCE: *Cheers, accidentally knocking over one of the stuffed sharks that take up the front row. Silpha calls for the medic to help up that "poor old shark".*
ADMIN: Next question. What do we think about the way the country is at the moment?
SMITH: The country is at the right time. Many people, many smart people. Lots of brain energy. Lots of power to be found within this country.
SILPHA: This is the best country. The greatest country. The coolest country. My favorite country. I've lived here all my life, in this wonderful country. This is, mind my language, SUPER FREAKING POGGERS OF A COUNTRY.
(Silpha is heard asking somebody what country they are in.)
SMITH: The country needs to be strong in humans but weak in structure. Only then will we get the correct Dramatic Effect.
ADMIN: ...You keep mentioning this dramatic effect. Mind explaining?
SMITH: Exactly what it sounds like. Like your moovies. I want it to be like that.
ADMIN: Want...what exactly?
SMITH: The dramatic effect. Are you listening?
(The admin decides to move on.)
ADMIN: What does everybody think about the recent threats of war in Europe?
SILPHA: Europe- OH YEAH I TOTALLY KNOW WHAT THAT IS. I think we should declare war on...
(He grabs a map and points to something.)
SILPHA: THESE LITTLE SUCKERS!
(It's a tiny little island. It hasn't done a thing. It doesn't even have a name.)
ADMIN: No, Mr. Coolman, we mean one of our enemies. Like Brussia.
SILPHA: DECLARE WAR ON BRUSSIA
(Silpha finds Brussia on the map. It's pretty big and there's pictures of bears.)
SILPHA: I TAKE THAT BACK. DO NOT DECLARE WAR ON BRUSSIA.
SMITH: I think the war is useless. They need to not hurt anybody and instead hurt buildings to make it easier to conquer their nations.
ADMIN: We're not conquering anybody.
SMITH: Yes, we are. You may not be, but you will live to see it.
(Silpha opens a pack of gum. It says NECKLACE FLAVOR on it. It tastes like cold, sad metal and the tears of an immortal man.)
ADMIN: Lastly, what do we think about officials in the government? Will you choose new ones?
SILPHA: Heck yeah. I want...
(He points to a man in the background, who is with a banjo.)
SILPHA: HIM as my vice president.
(ADMIN whispers something into SILPHA's ear. He seems disappointed.)
SILPHA: I was just told that I have a vice president already. Then he can be the vice VICE president, the new position!
SMITH: I want there to be a vice vice vice president in order to outdo my competitor.
SILPHA: Vice vice vice VICE president!
SMITH: vice vice vice vice... (He repeats this for a long time until it doesn't seem like a word anymore.) president!
SILPHA: Whatever he said, plus one.
SMITH: Oh you! You will NOT live to see the end!
SILPHA: Jokes on you! I'm immortal!
SMITH: You immortal sucker! I despise you and everything you stand for!
SILPHA: I despise you and your twelve sided head!
SMITH: Hey! I am a normal human! Only stupid people think I am an alien dodecahedron!
SILPHA: Aha! Only stupid people think THEY are NOT alien dodecahedrons! You absolute buffoon!
SMITH: I will slay your mother!
SILPHA: Jokes on you, I don't even know where she is!
SMITH: I will slay your whole family!
SILPHA: And I will slay yours, I guess!
SMITH: We are an empire! You cannot take us down!
SILPHA: I eat empires!
(They continue fighting. Eventually the ADMIN just turns of the microphones, and they stay yelling at each other in silence. The cameras are turned off a moment later.)
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AN ADVERTISEMENT BY SILPHA COOLMAN
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 This is me. THREE MOONS am I a nice drago-man. Like really. Don't you want this guy in the history books? Okay okay okay
I'm advertising the new SILPHA FANCLUB!! To join the fanclub, send an email to realsilphacoolman@silpha.com to be signed up for our newsletter. There's book signings, games, and a special event where you can try on my characteristic necklace! We also have prizes, replicas of the same necklace, and picture books for your kids about me.
So get over here and join the party. Not the political party, the SILPHA PARTY!
The "Silpha Party" is some sort of newsletter about his fanclub. It seems to be legitimate, and clicking the link only brings up an email page for you to message him. He also replies to fanmail, as shown below:
silphaluvr@silpha.com: silpha ily please get elected omg
realsilphacoolman@silpha.com: ily too as i do all my voters!! <3
silphaluvr@silpha.com: ty for letting me try on ur necklace btw!!
realsilphacoolman@silpha.com: np!!
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The second part of the debates will take place in a week. The candidates are answering newspapers and other journalistic groups in order to get more fans for their policies, whatever they are.
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Post by Bronzewing on Mar 1, 2021 18:34:59 GMT
A new update has been found with the candidate SILPHA COOLMAN. Many are claiming that he may actually be a dragon- some people claimed they saw him breathing out "frosty breath that created a layer of ice on a surface." Silpha denies this claim- "It's cold out, and breath fogs. Why are people still thinking I'm a lizard?" Some people have claimed that Silpha should address the question in the next debates to quiet people's allegations of his draconic nature.
Silpha himself claims that anybody who has an issue with him can have a one on one conversation with him: and he will even allow people to try on his notable necklace.
Along with the allegations that Silpha may be a dragon, there are also some that claim his necklace has some strange properties. "Everybody who touches it becomes interested in Silpha's policies." one person said, holding up an entire folder of conspiracies and evidence. It was dismissed after a conversation that "big dragon vibes" had nothing to do with the necklace and should not be a major point. One official claimed that they wore the necklace and feel "perfectly fine, like a RainWing that just slept in the sun." This is suspicious, as nobody still knows what a RainWing is. Furthermore, some people are beginning to claim that Silpha's necklace is either A) a space alien from outer space (Notably this made John Smith rather nervous), B) a super intelligent creature made of metal that lives on presidential candidates OR C) a necklace that stores Silpha Coolman's soul and transfers his consciousness onto anybody who puts it on, along with making him immortal. The last one has been dismissed for being "too unlikely."
A speaker has been brought in who has been exposed to the necklace:
WIND ARCHER COOKIE: I feel great, never better, things are looking up. REPORTER: Are you sure? I read in your recent book about how you are constantly in fear of being eaten. WIND ARCHER COOKIE: No, those concerns are gone. I don't worry about that anymore- Silpha's on my side. He won't let somebody eat me, anyway.
After this conversation the reporter was reported to have consumed the cookie.
REPORTER: He tasted good.
The reporter's job is at risk, since they shouldn't be allowed to eat the speakers.
On the other hand, JOHN SMITH is still facing claims of being a dodecahedron from space. Some saw his behavior in the debate, specifically his mispronouncing of "debate", and Twitter leapt at it.
There were many more claims of this, and some other people asking for an independent candidate to exist. Some independent groups are searching for a suitable candidate.
Our candidates words on the concept of finding an independent:
SILPHA: "Oh no." SMITH: "Oh no."
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Post by Bronzewing on Mar 1, 2021 20:55:16 GMT
An independent candidate has been found. For the first few weeks, although the information about there being a selection was spread, no images or proof of the candidate were seen. When asked, they would say that they're "preparing for the reveal, making sure everything is set up."
At the same time, we got a few interviews about the lack of a vice president for the independent candidate:
REPORTER: So, I heard you knew something about the lack of there being a vice president for the new candidate.
GOLDEN CHEESE COOKIE: (sobbing) Yes...they got murdered!
REPORTER: What a shame. But we need to know whether you know anything about there being a new selection for vice president- or whether the candidate will be running alone for the full election.
GOLDEN CHEESE: (sobbing still) Yes...they're looking for somebody else, but there's no luck yet... it seems that it'll be too late and they'll run without one.
REPORTER: Great, thank you. I'll leave you alone now. GOLDEN CHEESE: Wait...why do you have green crumbs on your face? REPORTER: Uh... you're dismissed.
GOLDEN CHEESE: (screams)
What an eventful interview! No other information has been found yet.
The independent candidate was revealed on Tuesday. They're a black guinea pig, making all the guinea pig furries very happy to see some inclusion. They're rather small and almost always chewing on a leaf- although this doesn't appear to hamper them when giving speeches. There's a strange necklace around their neck that looks similar to that of Yes Party Candidate Silpha Coolman. Upon touching the necklace, they got a strong feeling that they really should not touch the necklace. They wear a nametag saying "BOB NORMAN" on it in large letters.
Fig 1: A picture of the candidate.
We ask that you abstain from calling the candidate a "cutie patootie" or similar names. They are cute, but they also have dignity.
Their interview can be found here:
OFFICIAL: Hello, Bob Norman. We are here to ask you a few questions. You did miss the first debate, so the voters need to get an idea of who you are.
BOB: munch munch munch
OFFICIAL: Good, good. We won't take up much of your time. I see you are very busy with that leaf. So, what can you tell us about your policies?
BOB: munch munch munch?
OFFICIAL: Yes...very interesting. May you elaborate on that last part?
BOB: munch munch munch! OFFICIAL: Fascinating. I see that you've thought this through. We look forward to seeing you during the next debate.
BOB: munchedy munch munchy
OFFICIAL: Ah, you have a sense of humor, too! Fascinating.
BOB: *finishes the leaf, picks up another one* munch munch monch
Afterwards the official reported having no clue what they had said, and wishes for a translation. He also hopes he did not offend the candidate.
AN ADVERTISEMENT BY BOB NORMAN
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 leaf mmm tasty munch munch munch munch munch munch munch munch munch munch munch munch munch munch munch munch munch munch munch munch munch munch munch munch munch munch munch munch munch munch munch munch munch munch munch munch munch munch munch munch munch munch munch munch munch munch munch munch munch munch munch munch munch munch munch munch munch munch munch munch munch munch munch munch munch munch munch munch munch munch munch munch munch munch-
This repeats for 5 minutes. The advertisement is unskippable, but due to the cute guinea pig in it, nobody minded. A poll was taken of what candidates people wanted to go for.
- SMITH: 39%
- SILPHA: 41%
- BOB: 20%
Somehow Silpha was in the lead. This is what Smith had to say about being behind:
"This is a disaster! I need to beat this...horrible person unless I will not be able to carry out the Dramatic Effect Invasion! And my kin will not come upon the earth with their cries of dea- PEACE! How terrible."
Silpha didn't have any comment, but he had a sneakily wide smile on his face. He had his necklace back on.
The debates will commence a few days from now with all three candidates.
Here are some Twitter posts about the new candidate.
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Post by Bronzewing on May 6, 2021 16:55:27 GMT
Before the next debate with the three candidates being present, we had a special meeting with candidate Silpha Coolman and a series of paranormal investigators coming in to check on allegations surrounding his necklace, along with his strange willingness to let people try it on. The logo of the investigators called is below- and due to the funds in the government, we were able to hire the best of the best.
12:32 PM. The Investigator, best paranormal investigator in the world, showed up. They began checking everything for paranormal activity, from booklets to pamphlets to the floor. Every so often they would put a claw on their nose and say "Interesting!" before walking to the next thing. They had varied complicated equipment, such as a glass that made things look bigger (wow!) and an absolutely neat hat. After the InvestiGator searched a few rooms, reporters were allowed in to speak to them.
REPORTER: So, you seem to be doing a good job checking everything here for strange...auras. Have you found anything of interest?
INVESTIGATOR: Yes, in fact! Many things in this room smell strongly of paranormal activity! Like that cockroach over there!
He points to the cockroach. It's a cockroach. It's wearing a hat.
INVESTIGATOR: I think that cockroach is actually...a horse!
The cockroach snaps its fingers and takes off a costume. It is a well trained Thoroughbred racehorse.
REPORTER: Woah! I would never have guessed!
INVESTIGATOR: That's right, my fine tasty looking man! It's very easy to tell if weird stuff is around! For example, there is a man with a banjo that reeks of paranormal activity! His face was also a butterfly!
REPORTER: You seem to be a great hire for this campaign. We just have one question: have you noticed anything weird about the candidates? Any of them, especially the necklace Silpha Coolman wears.
INVESTIGATOR: Nothing at all! The InvestiGator declares: they all seem clean and totally fine! Not a single weird thing!
REPORTER: Lovely! And one more question: we got some people complaining that a gator bit their legs off. Do you know anything about that, as you were arriving at the time the gator was around?
INVESTIGATOR: Uh...nope! And look at the time! I gotta go!
The InvestiGator dashed out with suspicious speed. But nonetheless, this is a good sign that apart from roach horses, nothing weird is going on. Later on, it was reported that a few more legs were missing. What's up with that?
And again suspiciously, it was realized that a lot of the things the InvestiGator pointed out as paranormal were in fact totally normal. This means that there could have been a mistake on the candidates too. They made sure to hide this from news, as Wolf News would go crazy about this and would probably declare the candidates to be frog aliens or something.
Here's an example of Wolf News' normal stuff.
Please, for your sanity, do not read Wolf News.
The debates have been scheduled for some time next week. The candidates have all agreed to the time and date...we think. Bob Norman was too busy eating a leaf.
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